“It is well understood in psychology that the subconscious mind has the dominant influence on human decision making, and therefore the pivotal role of the subconscious, for you to achieve success, is inescapable.”
― Kevin Michel, Moving Through Parallel Worlds To Achieve Your Dreams
We wake in the morning and instantly think, “I need coffee!” We look to our caffeine to help us obtain the energy we need to begin our day. We shop for clothes and pay an abundance of money for hair styling and products so we feel better about ourselves. We go to bars and join dating sites because we long to find a partner. These things most people think we do consciously, but do we? Of course wanting coffee in the morning is a conscious thought—We develop habits and routines that help us to function as human beings, but what if I told you 80 percent of what we do is entirely subconscious? What about a toxic relationship and the subconscious mind? Are you perhaps stuck in a toxic relationship because of a program running subconsciously?
Toxic Relationships and the Subconscious Mind
Yes, we are drawn to certain people and situations that we unknowingly seek due to history (childhood) and our biology. We may think, on the surface, “That man is very attractive and he seems to have a good job and takes care of himself,” but these are surface (conscious) thoughts. Hidden deep beneath our minds where most people fear to go lays our UNCONSCIOUS MIND. Our old brains store images, relational memories and feelings which are called upon when we meet certain people. I had no idea
I was even doing this until I was 38 years old and entered into therapy! I learned I was utterly powerless over the relationships I was entering into. I say powerless in the sense that the part of our mind that’s choosing isn’t known to us on an intellectual level. Once I became aware, I became more in tune with this part of my brain, but still I cannot control my subconscious. For example, our dream state comes from that part of our brain. Our dreams are about us even though we may see and or visit other people in our dreams. They represent parts of our selves.
I could swear up and down that I was physically and emotionally attracted to my partners and I was in deep denial about how I truly felt about them too. I was in reality, drawn to what was “FAMILIAR”. The root word of familiar is FAMILY. My father was absent and emotionally incapable (but attractive), my mother was self centered and also absent (but attractive). For thirty-eight years I chose partners who were attractive and guess what, UNAVAILABLE. There is a method to this madness too. Although none of my relationships fashioned this way worked out, it was the universe (or for you pragmatists), my brain’s way of working out my childhood trauma. It was only going to happen with a person who is the exact replica of my parents, whereby I may find some real healing. If I had an abandonment fear, then I would draw to a man who will reject me. If I had intimacy fears (and I had both), I would pick a partner who COULDN’T be intimate. The old brain chooses!
Here are some examples of how we subconsciously choose partners:
- We choose a man or woman who reminds us of one or both our caregivers.
- We ignore red flags, behavior that’s familiar because we see the potential with this person to heal.
- We look for certain signals, (unavailability—busy person, walled in) and move in like a stealth.
- We look for particularly needy people we can take care of so we are falsely empowered.
- We seek “hot” people fantasy, we are incapable of intimacy because we didn’t grow up learning it.
- We sense a spark or immediate chemistry and are convinced it’s the person. NOT TRUE. These sparks are sometimes warning signals for shared wounds between parties.
I could never figure out why most of the time in my relationships, I became hysterical. Well if you are hysterical–ITS HISTORICAL. If two people in the relationship, struggling because basically each is reenacting childhood trauma, want to change then there is hope! One person has what the other lacks. You can actually heal with the person who drives you crazy, which is why you chose them in the first place. My theory explains a why people pick the same person over and over or have major dysfunctional patterns in their lives. The universe is interested in us all!
On the other hand, if people do not wish to change, the toxic tango can linger. Both people suffer in the relationship and nine times out of ten stay in it way too long hoping something will miraculously happen to change how they are relating with one another. It takes a lot of work.
Ways to Heal from Subconscious Programs
Here are some ways I found healing as it relates to my own Subconscious picks:
- I refrained from abusing substances any longer—joined 12 step program
- I worked with a cognitive behavioral therapist to uncover and identify my history and connect to present day choices.
- I worked with a professional to become more aware of my patterns and deep seated maps where I picked men who were exactly like my real father.
- I processed painful and emotional wounds that had to be healed in order for me to become a more whole, esteemed woman.
- I read books which helped me learn more about the mind, our childhoods and love-addiction.
- I stuck with therapy even when It got hard or I wanted to quit. Consistency and building a trust based relationship with a male was key for me.
- I reframed my beliefs. The old belief system kept me with very dysfunctional partners. The new healthier established beliefs allowed me to join my OLD BRAIN WITH MY NEW BRAIN.
- I developed a list of ideals that I wanted in a mate and did not compromise under any and all conditions.
- I became less needy by learning to spend time alone out of a relationship, off the sites and with little to no distractions.
There are many resources available for finding out more about why we do the things we do, and why we are drawn to certain people and characteristics. Therapy, coaching, EMDR free 12 step programs, books and the internet are excellent ways to get started in discovering the deep layers of you!
Learning our history and the reality of our childhoods is key to understanding the subconscious mind. It is truly powerful and dictates most of what we do. If you can do some work and marry the two, you will see new results. My journey has been arduous, gut wrenching and very difficult but well worth the changes. I am a more mature woman who loves herself. I saw a way up and out of the despair that was running my life–UNFULFILLING RELATIONSHIPS.
Holly Smith is an experienced healthcare drug and alcohol professional. With seven years’ career experience admitting clients from all over the US into inpatient residential treatment centers she is becoming a pioneer in her field. A certified family interventionist and in recovery herself, 11 + years, she helps many families to find solutions and come up from the abyss. She writes and posts daily on her new recovery blog, www.hollysobriety.com designed to inspire and impact those who are still suffering . She has worked for some of the largest treatment providers in the US and won several national contests outlining performance and marketing outreach. With a solid and established sales career of 15 + years, she now assists individuals who suffer from substance abuse as well as dual addictions. Holly has been working with individuals for over ten years in 12 step anonymous programs and is an active, well respected mentor. BA in business and marketing, providing education and awareness to families and individuals on a wide array of issues, my passion is to inspire and impact others.
On www.hollysobriety.com, readers can follow my daily inspiration posts, thoughts and ideas on recovery and love addiction. Holly has direct experience with this debilitating disease state and can help many people who feel trapped. She enjoys yoga, working out, motivational speaking, reading, writing, art and children.