“Being willing to accept responsibility for the situation you’re in is the first step to a more fulfilling love life.” ~Renée Suzanne
Remember the haunting ballad “Foolish Games” by Jewel?
Jewel wrote the song when she was sixteen. She kept a serious journal, and said in an interview that a verse in the song was “about a relationship that I was dramatically involved in on paper.”
That pretty much sums up my first relationship, which was a dramatic pseudo-relationship in many ways. I was sixteen going on seventeen, hopelessly romantic yet shrewdly skeptical of love at the same time. My emotions were wild and intense, and that was what I thought “real love” felt like.
This drama followed me throughout the few but memorable relationships I had in my twenties. When a partner was rude to me or put me down, I’d think that I somehow deserved it or that it was a challenge to do better with a quick-witted comeback. I’d tell myself that the other person needed “space” to “calm down,” without giving as much care or thought to what I really wanted or needed.
Mind games and second-guessing are part and parcel of an unstable relationship.
As Anita wrote in a forum comment: “Maybe you are testing him each time you withdraw—will he go after me?” In my mind, I’d rationalize it as the need to be “reaffirmed” that I was really what the person was looking for in an ideal partner.
All of the unstable relationships I was in ultimately failed.
In hindsight, it’s no wonder why!
I had constantly attracted and been attracted to partners who lacked commitment, reliability, and emotional stability. Things would blow hot and cold on a regular basis in either direction (“She’s So Cold,” by The Rolling Stones, was yet another song with lyrics I could relate to).
When I reached my early thirties, I started putting in more effort to break out of these negative relationship patterns. I realized that I had to accept responsibility for being in horrible relationship situations that I thought no wise and sane person would ever put up with.
I’d like to share what I learned in the hopes that my experience may help someone else who’s desperately trying to move forward from a troubled dating history.
5 Lessons About Breaking Unhealthy Relationship Patterns
1. Observe your thoughts and their actions.
When I observed myself, I noticed that my own thoughts about love and relationships were full of negative or anxious associations. I believed that it was close to impossible to be in a healthy relationship or that I would always be attracted to unstable types.
This anxiety carried over into my behavior on a daily basis. I was always skeptical to the point of being paranoid. Being too trusting is a fault, but I saw how the other extreme could be just as damaging as it didn’t give me much of a chance to see the good side of others. I couldn’t expect my relationships to improve if I had such low confidence in ever being in a fulfilling relationship.
I also had to recognize when someone’s words and actions didn’t line up. A glib speaker might be able to use words to perfectly express or explain something, but it’s a person’s behavior that really matters at the end of the day. A partner who proclaims they’re the greatest is an egomaniac if they fail to see how their hurtful words or behavior affects you.
2. Get clear on your boundaries.
Think about what makes you feel sad, uncomfortable, drained, or diminished as a human being.
My list of personal boundaries includes the following:
- I need a partner who’s financially responsible.
- I need a partner who won’t resort to belittling my mind and opinions should we have a clash of opinions.
- I need plenty of alone time to rest, recharge, and dedicate to my creative projects.
You need to understand what your personal boundaries are so that you can maintain them. More importantly, it helps you keep a distance from people who don’t respect your limits.
Boundaries don’t exist because you’re selfish or because you want to make life difficult for others. Boundaries are a form of self-care for your mental and emotional health. If this makes things “difficult” for others, perhaps they’re not the people you should be spending most of your time and life with.
3. Get clear on what you want.
When you have a better idea of what you don’t want, shift the focus onto what you do want in your relationships.
Think about the time and energy you’ve poured into unstable relationships. If you spent as much time and energy on seeking a healthy relationship, wouldn’t you have a reasonable chance of success?
To enjoy a stable relationship with someone mature and available, consider the deeper values you and your partner need to be in alignment with.
Do you want to have kids, or are you looking for someone who can also be a stepparent? Are you adamantly childfree and need a partner to respect this choice of yours? How financially responsible would you like your partner to be, and what are your financial expectations in a relationship?
These aren’t exactly romantic questions, and you don’t want to be unrealistic with a never-ending list of points that a potential partner must check off. But knowing what your deal breakers are before entering a relationship can save you a lot of time and heartache.
4. Don’t give up on yourself.
You may feel like your dating history is akin to scorched earth, where there’s nothing but rubble, ashes, and a rancid boatload of chronic low self-esteem.
No matter how bad it is, don’t give up on yourself.
You are a unique individual, and the story of your life is up to you to create. There may be setbacks and failures, but you never have to lose sight of your dreams and goals.
To lose yourself in a relationship is a sad way to feel out of touch with who you really are.
Spend the time to not just get to know yourself, but to know what really motivates you. This self-understanding will serve as a source of inspiration whenever you need to remind yourself of your gifts and strengths.
5. Choose wisely.
You always have a choice at the end of the day.
Instead of self-destruction through an unstable relationship, you can choose self-love and commit to leaving unhealthy relationships behind you. Choose peace over drama and emotional rollercoasters when it comes to romantic partners. Choose relationships where you feel free to be your authentic self instead of needing to walk on eggshells for fear of saying something that will set your partner off.
Above all, choose to be with someone who is kind and respectful toward you.
Your failed relationships help you to recognize the negative patterns that you need to break free from. This freedom allows you to begin healing from within, and it helps you move on in wisdom, not anger. You’re then able to face each day at an optimum level with the knowledge that you’ll be able to handle whatever comes your way.
Realize that it’s not impossible to break free from negative relationship patterns. Know that life has more to offer than unstable relationships, and that you are worth a whole lot more than someone else’s self-destructive tendencies.
About Jess Chua
Astrologically speaking, Jess Chua has a Venus in Scorpio (which probably explains most of her tumultuous relationship experiences). Jess writes and edits content for the Optimal Living Daily personal development podcast. She blogs about introverts and related topics on her personal site, Inner Life Goals.